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Wow! You actually came to this page. Our
lawyers made us include it and made us use a precious button
on our home page to get you here. At first, we thought the
lawyers were a real pain. But then we read the page. What a Netwakening! It's really important stuff. We took the legalese
the lawyers wrote and translated it into readable English. So
be a smart nethead and read the stuff on this page. It could
prevent you from hearing from our lawyers, or worse yet, from
really nasty people, like prosecutors.
Here's the deal:
We run this site so that people like you
(and people you like) can use it for personal entertainment,
information, education, communication, and cybergratification.
So go ahead and browse around all you like. You can even
download stuff from the site but only for non-commercial,
personal use. If you do, though, don't fool around with the
copyright and other notices all over the stuff. They're there
for a really good reason. And don't even think about
distributing, modifying, transmitting, reusing, re-posting, or
anything else uncool with any of the stuff, including the
text, images, audio, and video, for public or commercial
purposes unless we give you written permission. And it's not
likely we will.
If you visit our site, you're also legally
obligated to [read: stuck with] the terms and conditions
listed below and any other law or regulation that applies to
the site, the Internet, the World Wide Web, or Orange County,
California, United States of America. You shouldn't access or
browse the site if you have any problem with that, because
once you start, there's no turning back -- you are bound by
[read: stuck with] the terms and conditions.
So here's the scoop on our Top Ten Rules
for Cybersurfers who hang out on our site:
1. YOU MUST BE EIGHTEEN (18) YEARS OR
OLDER IN ORDER TI ACCESS THIS WEBSITE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE
AGE OF EIGHTEEN, YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO ACCESS THIS WEB SITE
FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER. DUE TO THE AGER RESTRICTIONS OUR
COMPANY IMPOSES FOR THE USE OF THIS WEB SITE, NO INFORMATION
OBTAINED BY THIS WEB SITE, FALLS WITHIN THE SCOPE OF THE CHILD
ONLINE PRIVACY ACT (COPA) AND IS NOT MONITORED AS DOING SO.
2. For everyone's sake, just assume
that everything on the site is copyrighted unless we say it's
not. So you can't use the stuff except how we say you can on
this page or anywhere else on the site without our written
permission. And like we said before, it's not likely we'll
give you permission anyway. In fact, even if we wanted to, the
lawyers are likely to veto any deal anyway. So it's better you
don't even ask.
3. While we try to include accurate
stuff on the site, we're not promising you it's accurate. In
fact, we're not promising you anything except fun and
entertainment. So if you use stuff on the site, you're using
it at your own risk. Don't call us if there's a problem
because we assume no liability or responsibility for errors or
omissions on the site.
4. We and anybody else who helped us
create, produce, or deliver the site are not liable for any
damages you suffer when you use it. In particular, the lawyers
want you to know that our disclaimer includes "direct,
incidental, consequential, indirect, or punitive damages
arising out of your access to, or use of, the site. Without
limiting the foregoing, everything on the site is provided to
you 'AS IS' WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESSED OR
IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES
OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OR NON
INFRINGEMENT.
Please note that some jurisdictions may not
allow the exclusion of implied warranties, so some of the
above exclusions may not apply to you. Check your local laws
for any restrictions or limitations regarding the exclusion of
implied warranties. " Ugh! What a mouthful from the
mouthpieces. We put all of that in quotes because we couldn't
figure out any other way to say it that the lawyers would
accept. But here's the bottom line -- we're not responsible if
you're browsing around and the site damages you or your
computer or infects it with any nasty viruses. We sure hope
that doesn't happen, but if it does, don't call us.
5. If you don't want the world to know
something, don't post in on the site in any bulletin board or
anyplace else. That's because anything you disclose to us is
ours. That's right -- ours. So we can do anything we want with
the stuff you post. We can reproduce it, disclose it, transmit
it, publish it, broadcast it, and post it someplace else. We
can even send it to your mother (as soon as we find her
address). Not only that, we can even use any ideas, concepts,
know-how, or techniques you post any way we want to,
including, developing, manufacturing and marketing products or
other stuff using the information you post.
6. Pictures of people or places shown
on the site are either our property or someone else's property
we're using with their permission. No matter what, it's
definitely not your property. You or any of your net-friends
can't use it unless we said you could on this page or
somewhere else on the site. And guess what -- we won't say
yes. So be careful, Bunky, because unauthorized use may
violate all sorts of nasty laws. Be smart, keep the stuff you
download to yourself.
6. There's also a lot of trademarks,
logos, and service marks on the site that either we own or
we're using with someone else's permission. So don't think you
have any kind of license or right to use them, because you
don't and we're not about to give you one. If you don't leave
them alone and mess with our trademarks, logos and service
marks on our site, we'll probably go ballistic, so will the
companies that own the other trademarks, logos and service
marks. That means that we're likely to sue you or to ask a
prosecutor to come after you for messing around with our
property or the property of others.
8. You'll probably notice we've linked
our site to lots of others. While that's cool, it doesn't mean
we've looked at all those sites, much less checked them out
periodically to see what's going on. So don't blame us if some
site you link to is bad or has stuff on it that offends you or
your pets. Go ahead and link, but remember, you're doing it at
your risk.
9. That brings us to what you do on
our own site. While we occasionally listen in on chat groups,
or look at the posting in our discussion groups or on our
bulletin boards, we take no responsibility and assume no
liability for the content of those locations or for any
mistakes, defamation, libel, slander, omissions, falsehoods,
obscenity, pornography, or profanity you might encounter when
you visit such places on our site. And don't be stupid by
posting or transmitting any unlawful, threatening, libelous,
defamatory, obscene, scandalous, inflammatory, pornographic,
nasty, mean, or profane material or any material that law
enforcement types may consider a criminal offense, get someone
in court on a civil lawsuit, or for that matter violate any
law -- anywhere, anytime. While we certainly respect your
privacy, we have no choice but to fully cooperate with any law
enforcement authorities or court which might ask us who might
have posted nasty stuff on our site.
10. Software that we use on this Site
is protected by all sorts of patriotic U.S. laws. Because of
that, you can't download or send the software to anyone in the
vacation travel spots of Cuba, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Iran,
Syria, or any other country where United States has embargoed
goods; or (get this) to anyone on the United States Treasury
Department's list of Specially Designated Nationals, the U.S.
Commerce Department's Table of Deny Orders, or the FBI's Most
Wanted Internet Creeps List (just kidding on the last one). As
if that were not tough enough, if you live in or are a
national of any of those lovely places, you're not even
supposed to be reading this page, so beat it!
11. We're also allowed to change this
page and anything else on the site any time we want to. That's
because it's ours and we have the programmers who can do it.
If we do change the page, then you're bound by [read: stuck
with] those changes, too, whenever you visit our site.
12. If either of us wants to make
something of it and wants to “sue” (a dirty word) then we have
to follow these rules of engagement. (sort of according to the
Geneva Convention):
This Agreement is governed by the laws of
the State of California, without regard to principles of
conflict of laws.
To the extent you have in any manner
violated or threatened to violate our company and/or its
affiliates' intellectual property rights, our company and/or
its affiliates may seek injunctive or other appropriate relief
in any state or federal court in the State of California, and
you consent to exclusive jurisdiction and venue in such
courts.
Any other disputes will be resolved as
follows:
If a dispute arises under this agreement,
we agree to first try to resolve it with the help of a
mutually agreed-upon mediator in the following location:
Orange County, California, United States of America. Any costs
and fees other than attorney fees associated with the
mediation will be shared equally by each of us.
If it proves impossible to arrive at a
mutually satisfactory solution through mediation, we agree to
submit the dispute to binding arbitration at the following
location: Orange County, California, United States of America,
under the rules of the American Arbitration Association.
Judgment upon the award rendered by the arbitration may be
entered in any court with jurisdiction to do so.
If this all sounds kind of mean and
undiplomatic, you should have seen what the lawyers gave to us
in the first place. We had to remind them that human torture
and sacrifice was outlawed in the United States. Boy, did they
look disappointed!
October 1st, 2009
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